What I Allow In Relationships

I’m sure everyone knows the expression of “feeling butterflies” when they talk to someone they like, or even love. It’s a very common expression, but it feels too soft compared to how I feel when I have feelings for someone. It’s not soft butterfly wings beating the inner lining of my stomach. For me, rather than butterflies, I have giant hawks, eagles, and pelicans beating their wings so hard that I want to puke. When I fall for someone, I fall hard. I try with every fiber of my being to repress those emotions, so as to not scare said someone off, but honestly, holding in those emotions is more exhausting than speaking them and being rejected.

I have been rejected so many times. So, so, so many times I’ve professed my love and received crickets in return. Every single time, I beat myself up for trying too hard, being too open, or stitching my heart on my sleeve too soon. Now, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not overly open, rather that everyone else is too closed off. It has become more normal to be emotionally distant than it is to be emotionally intimate, even amongst friends. To me, this is deeply saddening.

I thought I was crazy for having such intense transparency, but maybe, just maybe, I’m only crazy for expecting the same transparency from others. Everyone is on their own path of healing and mental health. Everyone experiences reality differently. Rather than forcing emotions out of people, I need to find people that have the same level of transparency as myself.

I have always followed the rule of manifestations over expectations, so I thought having no expectations in love was a good thing, but it has only led to situationship after situationship, and I am sick of it. I no longer think it is wrong to have expectations. If the person I am interested in can’t tell me they have love for me after two months, then how long am I expected to wait? First impressions aren’t everything, but two months of talking and meeting is plenty to know whether or not you want to invest more time into a person. If the person I’m talking to can’t even say that they want more (maybe not right at this moment, but in a reasonable time frame of at least a few months), then I don’t want to waste my time.

I know that saying “I love you” is a big moment, but it is something that should be said within at least a few months of knowing each other. If you can’t confess to the person you’re dating that you love them within a few months, then the only question to ask is “When, then?” When will they be enough for you? When will love develop? I think if they haven’t felt the urge to say “I love you” within a few months, then they are not meant for you. If they can’t vocalize their emotions, then they are not mentally or emotionally ready to be in a relationship. In which case, move on to someone that is. Time is an infinite yet finite resource. I live in a world of abundance, but I understand my mortality. If the person I’m talking to doesn’t understand that, then I cannot force understanding on them. That is something that must develop with time on their own.

Therefore, what I require in romantic relationships is:

• Open and honest communication where I don’t have to ask for every single aspect that I want to know about, for I would like the person I am romantically involved with to want to tell me everything without having to ask for it.
• Unconditional love from the get go. If the person I’m romantically involved with can’t see themselves being with me forever, then I’m not right for them. At most, I allow the person a month to hold fast to their decision. If nothing seems sure after a month, then I feel self-righteous in letting them go. If I’m not your forever, then I will find someone else who does want to experience the rest of their life with me. I want someone who is in for the long haul.
• Genuine curiosity is expected, rather than requested. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to know everything about me. I know that is nearly impossible, but I want someone who at least tries.

Feel free to comment your expectations in love, or comment to tell me that I’m crazy. I’m always open to changing my perspective. I just needed to say what I wanted to say. I hope others can relate to this as well. Stay open, free, and beautiful, my loves.

© 2021 Writings by Z

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